appreciation better than recognition

In August 18, I celebrate my birthday, the era 20 I’m on my way >~<, I Celebrate it with my friends,

I’m not in angry mode anymore after thinking a lot of things, I can finally calm and some people that makes me mad, actually say sorry and it’s a big meaning for me, I don’t know if they read the last journal but I guess because my attitude slightly change, now I can actually forgive and move on

I’m on learn a lot of things now

Ano sa, in painting I still search what’s good for me, to be honest, I love manga art but aside from that, freelance work got me to do realism stuff. I love traditional art but in the line of today’s work, I have to do in digital hahaha, but I’ll try to love both of them, when so many people discussing whether digital art or traditional art better, I put them as an equal art, there’s benefit and also flaws, nothing is perfect

APPRECIATION BETTER THAN RECOGNITION

Human is always crave for attention na? I guess it’s normal it’s on people needs but then again when you feel really needs too much attention, there will be attention disorder, How to handle it? I guess by loving your self more and keep in your mind that God will watch you more than all the people that you crazily hope that they will see you, don’t ever try to put so many hopes on people because they’re also human too, so many incapable things, they’re not God anyway

Do I have that kind of feeling? I got that feeling when I was young age but starting when I was more mature and at this age, I guess I’m change, I guess your childhood memory affect you so much na, it just like unrequited love. I do remember back then when I was in elementary, I really want to get recognize by my teacher& my father who still live at that time. Since I’m new student & I’m not close to my father+he lives faraway, I’ll try to get a good grade and not sleeping in class when in fact, ...I usually just get sleep in the class ^^, I guess I’m trying so hard …somehow it will become a burden feeling to me, if I don’t get good grade probably teacher&father will see me less as student and child, I got that feeling along by the time that I realize that I don’t even get appreciation words from them, I feel terribly sad, by that time I know I have to stop.

What I mean; I don’t change to be bad student or child, NO, I just stop for crave that attention anymore that feeling mutual to unrequited love, I dislike that but I have to deal with it. I guess now I understand if my friends, teachers said that I’m less ambitious thoght, lack of ambitions to be exact. That’s the bad impact, thegood impact, I’m quite calm and happy about my own pace and if I knew someone that I admire and they don’t even know me or not try to become my friend,
I wouldn’t try hard to socialize with them,
try to get their recognition means when they actually ignore me, I wouldn’t hurt so much, nothing more nothing less
BUT when I knew someone trying so hard to talk and need so much recognition, I will give them appreciation even it is a little speech or just only smile with respect –not because it’s an obligation or fake smile just to show them “hey I’m good person” or something like that HELL NO!, that’s because I know so much being ignored is hurt your life existence, I know what it feels, hem it is the reason why that I don’t put too much lovey dovey stuff to my opposite gender in my life, unlike many puberty girls, who crave attention from their crush, I don’t even have any crush in my class, seniors (Hyde~laruku probably, but he’s to old for me gyahahaha~idol is an exception), I dunno it is sad situation or no but I don’t feel any sadness, loneliness probably I focus my self more on my hobby&little nephew& best friends& how I eat tomorrow and other necessary things…plus.. I love unreal person than the actual one LOL, God , I understand my self better now